Please It. Tease It. Take It Away.

Ah, the life of a stripper. Flexible work schedules, daily affirmation from men, throwing yourself around a pole and landing in a big ‘ol pile of hundred dollar bills. It’s no wonder us girls with regular jobs secretly long to be like them. Yes, I said what others won’t admit. We envy them with their ultra-glam, showgirl makeup and great bodies and gold medal-worthy acrobatics. We long to walk in their clear, acrylic shoes, if only for a moment. Well, last Saturday I got my moment.

A week or so ago, a friend, who shall remain nameless, emailed me to see if I wanted to join her and a group of girls for a pole dancing “exercise” class at a place called The Girls Room on lower Greenville here in Dallas. It took me all of one second to email her back, “Sign me up.”

So we get there around 1 p.m. on a Saturday afternoon and dozens of women are filing in to a single room with about 20 or so stripper poles in it. I’m thinking, uh, there’s not enough poles in here for all these women. But far be it from our lovely hostesses to leave any of us poleless, we got to double up. Yep, two to a pole. Each lady and her partner had to take turns. Luckily, I took a good friend with me so I didn’t have to slither down the same pole as some strange wanna-be stripper I didn’t know.

The lady who led the class was quite engaging. I don’t know what her background was, but let’s just say she had skills. She’d definitely done this a time or two. She taught us what she called “stripology.” In a nutshell, it’s the science of the tease. It’s the art of creating fantasy. All of us eager pupils leaned in and listened intently as Sexy Socrates explained the three-step process to us:

1. Please it. This involves showcasing the goods. It’s why your audience is there – to see something.
2. Tease it. This is the fantasy part. You’re supposed to be suggestive, but not indulgent.
3. Take it away. This is your money-maker, she explained. The idea is look, but don’t touch. Everyone goes away empty-handed, but always come back for more.

Please It. Tease It. Take it Away. This, my friends, is the secret. It’s the reason why even in a weak economy, not one strip club in America has had to downsize. “Please it. Tease it. Take it Away”, we repeated as we moved through our “exercises.” “Please it, Tease it. Take Away,” we chanted as we gyrated around the base of the stripper pole. It was kind of empowering actually; exhilarating even. I mean seriously, how often do women get to boldly and publicly embrace our God-given femininity and sexuality; to scream from the mountain top, I am woman; hear me roar? Never. So, say it loud (but not if you're at work): Please it! Tease it! Take it Away!

And then it was time to get on the pole. Surprisingly enough, it was a lot easier than I thought. I was under the impression that it was going to take a whole lot of upper body strength to get up and around the pole, but actually it’s all physics. When you grab the top of the pole with your right hand and wrap your right leg around it at the knee, really all you have to do is push off and lean forward and away you go. Momentum does the rest. Amazing, huh? And to think, I thought I didn’t have what it takes to work at a gentleman’s club. By the end of the class, I was making two complete revolutions around that thing. The challenging part is the landing. It’s hard to gather yourself fast enough to land softly on pointed toes, but I figure if I keep going I’ll get that down too.

A co-worker told me there’s a formula to use to come up with a good stripper name. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with Stephanie Graves, but I guess it’s not catchy enough. Anyway, she said to take the name of the family pet you had growing up and use that as your first name. And then take the name of the street you grew up on and use that as your last name. My dog’s name was Sadie and we lived on Vapor Dr. I can hear it now. “Fellas, get yo’self a cold drink now, ‘cuz it’s about to get steamy up in HERE! Puh-leeze welcome to the stage Saaaaaaaadieeeee Vaaaaaaaaapoooooorrrrr.

Then I’d, please it, tease it and take it away!

One more thing, I have video of this. I thought about posting it here, but it contains extreme sexiness, and I don’t want every strip club manager in Dallas trying to get me to come on board. No sir, I DON’T want the opportunity to make in two nights what I make in a whole month as a publicist. You can’t lure me in with your thousand-dollar per shift job, but thanks anyway, sleazebag. I did, however, show the footage to Sweetness. I swear I thought he was going to pat me on the head. He was like, “Yeah, uuuh, well that was hot, baby. You did good.”

I don’t think I’ll be getting any of his dollars…yet.

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